If you know anything about me you probably know that I am not much of a tv or news kind of person. Left to my own devices, I would probably not even own a tv. I spend most days in silence or with music on in the background and happily find myself ignorant of most of the worlds calamities and dramas until the evening when we’re winding down for the day and happen to turn the tv on for background noise.
That’s where we found ourselves last night around 9:00–kids in bed, relaxing together on the couch, looking for something to mindlessly watch. And because we’re over 30, we have a slight obsession with tv news dramas. You know, Dateline, 48 Hours Mystery and the like. If you’re our age and you say you don’t watch those, I know you’re lying. It’s just a thing. I don’t know why, maybe it’s all the drama our old bones can handle.
Regardless, we happened to turn on the Dateline special on the current Harvey Weinstein scandal. Normally, I half listen and half nap through most nighttime tv (because I’m tired, people. Life is exhausting) but as these women started to explain their experiences, I sat straight up. Chills ran down my spine and old, long lost memories flooded my mind.
I remembered being 8. I remembered being innocent. I remembered a sand pile in our driveway that I loved to play on. I would spend hours building trails for the ants that lived in there. I was oblivious to most of what was going on around me and happy in my own little world. I remember someone behind me. Someone I knew. A neighborhood boy, much older. I remember his hands rubbing my shoulders and touching me inappropriately. I remember not liking it. I remember him kissing me. I remember shuddering. I remember telling him to stop and that it was weird. And I remember him saying:
“I just can’t help myself. You’re so pretty.”
I don’t remember how I got away. I don’t remember being physically hurt. I don’t remember much of what happened in the moments directly afterwards.
But I sure as heck remember that I felt like it was my fault. I remember the shame and guilt and weirdness that I associated with the whole entire situation. I remember trusting that person and then feeling confused by his violation of that trust.
I remember it being the first time that my physical attractiveness, my WOMAN-NESS, as an EIGHT year old seemed dangerous, like a weapon that can be used against me at any time. Something I wasn’t even really aware of having was being used as an excuse for really bad behavior, and I was defenseless against it.
And I know that I didn’t say anything. To anyone.
I’m pretty sure that the first person on this earth that I told was Jeff, last night. I don’t even think I wrote it down in my little purple diary that I kept locked up with that tiny little key.
I was that ashamed.
And I think of my sweet little baby girl, now herself approaching 8 years old. I think of someone touching her in that way and stripping her of the innocence of believing that the people you know are good and want to be good to you. And I want to scream.
And I want to scream for my 8 year old self. For what she didn’t deserve. For what she didn’t even process or understand until 30 years later. I want to scream because I know I’m not alone. Because my story is not unique, and in the scope of this world, it could have been so much worse. And because somewhere right now another 8 or 9 or 10 year old girl is not writing down something horrific in her little purple diary because she’s ashamed. Because she thinks it’s her fault. Because she thinks that somehow if she was different it would not have happened. If she looked different, acted different, talked different.
So #MeToo matters. It matters a lot to me. It matters to my 38 year old self and it matters to my 8 year old self. It matters for every girl or woman who has ever felt powerless to defend herself against someone that wants to take something from her that isn’t theirs to take. It matters for women or girls who walk away feeling ashamed. Who feel like what happened to her is somehow her fault. Who feels dirty. Who wants to change how she looks or how she talks or how she walks so that it doesn’t happen again. Who somehow bought the lie that something inside her caused this to happen.
And #MeToo should matter to you too. For all of these reasons and so many more. Because for every story that ends with a hasty retreat like mine, there is another story that doesn’t. Because these are our mothers, daughters, sisters and wives.
And because I am not unique. And it’s time that we start taking the shame out of our pain and talking about it.
So #MeToo.
Welcome to BurntToast! My name is Meaghan, and this is my safe space, a place where we can share stories, share recipes and share life. It’s my dream that you can come here, kick your shoes off and pour yourself a glass of wine while you read, laugh, and maybe even hop into the kitchen. This is my heart, for all of you to see. And ALL are welcome here.
Wow, powerful post. Thank you for sharing. #MeToo definitely matters to me at should to all women and (yes) men. It is not how women dress, how pretty they are, how, how, how. It is a matter of how society as a whole (male and female) need to to address this head on see how many women can say #MeToo. And yes, #MeToo. XO
Absolutely. Glad we’re opening the dialogue but sad that it has to come on the heels of more sadness. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Great post..I’ve been through something similar and feel the same way you do. #MeToo should definitely matter. <3 <3
Thanks for commenting. It does matter and I love that there is a dialogue now for people to share. <3 <3
Thank you for raising your hand and telling your story. It’s so brave of you and you are slowly helping to eradicate the stigma that you should feel shame about that experience. I hate how common these experiences are and how women keep them locked away like secrets for years and years.
It’s so true that these situations are so common. In fact, that’s how I started the conversation with my husband last night. By saying “I think every woman has a story like this…” and he looked at me like I was crazy. But it opened up a floodgate. I don’t know if it was brave of me to share, but I hope that it helps just one person. Pain like that is too much for one person to handle alone. <3
Extremely powerful post and thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry this happened to you because someone decided you were “just too pretty, they couldn’t help themselves.” No one has the right to touch another human being without their permission. I don’t have children yet but I often think about my unborn child and hope and pray that this doesn’t happen to her or him. That someone doesn’t just decide it’s their right to touch my children inappropriately. It’s a scary thought but change starts with conversation. I greatly appreciate you coming forward and sharing your story.
Sending so much love your way, Emily. <3 <3 <3
Thanks for opening up about this story. It’s so sad how some people can do the most wretched things, and the innocent ones are left feeling broken about it. I had a similar experience when I was 13, a guy significantly older than me tried to force me to kiss him. I thought we were friends. I remember him pushing me close to him and running me trying to run away. I remember the way I felt so dirty. I know of another instance where a little boy was being sexually abused by his babysitter. When he told his mom, his mom beat him for “telling such a horrible lie that could destroy somebody’s life”. The little boy never said anything about his abuser again until he was in his 40’s. It’s so sad how victims sometimes get blamed, or are the ones left feeling ashamed.
Both heartbreaking stories. Dirty is exactly how I felt and I don’t even know if I realized how broken all of this left me until today. Thanks for sharing. Sending hugs and love your way. <3
Thank you so much for sharing your story. The “Me Too” movement is so very important and I truly believe that it is opening the eyes for those who would try to discredit it. I have a baby girl and I am terrified for her future, I am terrified of what could happen to her, and I pray every single day that we can collectively change the world for the better.
That’s my prayer too. And I think this movement is a step in the right direction. Thanks for reading!
Amazing post! I’m so sorry that you have had to go through that Meaghan. I have an 8 yr old daughter and it terrifies me to think of such a thing. I know there are so many this post will touch. Thank you for sharing your story. xo
Thank you! ❤️
wow, wonderful post, #MeToo should definitely matter.