Gluten-Free Buffalo Cauliflower

I am guilty. I admit it. I am raising monsters. I wish it wasn’t so. I’ve fought against it left and right. But I am.

Ok, so maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. My precious little devils angels are decidedly not monsters. I get solid good reports from their friend’s parents that they say their “ma’ams and sirs” and “please and thank yous.” They are generally well-liked and have even been known to help out a stranger or commit random acts of kindness here and there.

But at home….well, that’s another story.

I will reiterate that this is 100% completely my fault, so please don’t @ me with mom-shaming or parenting advice. I’m close friends with my delete button and will completely ignore you. I’m well aware of the problem here. Whether I choose to fix it, that remains to be seen. Mostly because it’s something I see so many of my fellow moms struggling with that I figure it must be a right of passage in some way. 

Surely it’s not just my sub-par parenting. I cannot be alone in this.

My children, it seems, are allergic to work. Like, actual hives and rashes allergic. I don’t know if there is an official test for this disorder, but it’s the only possible explanation for their complete inability to make sure that their socks, discarded after a long day at school and playing at the park, into the laundry bin. I can’t fathom any other reason why they would fall into a puddle of whiney tears when they are asked to take their clean laundry upstairs and place it in their drawers or help us empty the dishwasher or dry the dishes.

I truly can’t.

These are regular occurrences in our household. So much so that I can’t remember the last time I have washed Dillon’s laundry, having gone completely on strike after witnessing the disaster that is masquerading as his closet–where clean clothes intermingle with dirty ones on the floor like it’s prom night. This does not bode well for the state of the clothes he puts on his body, does it? Clearly, at this point he’s just on a solid repeat cycle of dirty favorites. It’s a wonder they don’t stand up on their own. My sincerest apologies to the people who have to sit next to him or deal with him or walk past him. It’s obvious he’s got some work to do in the hygiene department before he’s interested in girls.

Yet I digress…

This past weekend when we asked them to clean their rooms the uproar of indignation was so loud and so intense I am positive the neighbors heard. 

“You make us do EVERYTHING!”

“What are we, your slaves?”

“But I’m so tired. You have no idea how tired I am.”

Y’all, my children have mastered the age-old art of excuse-making and, ever the over-achievers, I’d argue they’ve taken it to the next level. It is if the basics of life, just picking up your candy wrappers instead of stuffing them in the couch cushions or re-using the same water cup instead of slowly populating the kitchen counter with half-full glasses, are too much for their overworked and underpaid selves. It’s funny, actually.

Except it isn’t.

Trust me, we’ve tried it all. Allowance? We have one kid who works for money. The other two? Not so much. Dillon, my future litigator/ex-con, is the most allowance averse, choosing to barter and trade with his friends at school events to get snacks I won’t pay for instead of actually doing the work so he can pay for them himself. He cares not if he starves or doesn’t get a pack of Airheads at the game. This does not work.

Chore charts? Yeah, no. This failure’s on me. I just can’t with them. Life is too busy. My follow-through is slightly sub-par. They always end up falling by the wayside. Consequences? Yup, we’ve done them. Dillon has gone for months at a time without a phone. Connor’s Nintendo Switch spends more time on our Naughty Shelf than in his hands and Kenzie’s iPod has a new home in my purse. Done them all. My kids are like “Yeah, I see your consequence and I raise you twenty.” They are immune.

Please tell me I am not alone.

Now, in their defense, they do the basics which have been ingrained so deeply into their souls they don’t actually realize they are doing them. I’m talking morning and after school routines, bringing their plates to the dishwasher after dinner, putting their shoes in the cubby when they walk in the door. Those things they have mastered roughly 97% of the time. They do pretty well with keeping the downstairs tidy, too. But this is maybe more because we have an entire upstairs devoted solely to them than a desire to keep our family quarters clean. I try my best not to look around when I go up there. I rationalize that it’s their space and since I don’t have to stare at it daily I can let it go, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s entirely possible we have a fourth child bunking up there that I’m not aware of.

I truly believe that our goal as parents is not to be our children’s best friend. It’s not to make their paths straight and easy. It’s not to manufacture an easy life or a perfect life, either. It’s to grow them into fully-functioning, caring and kind adults. And we take this seriously. But I feel like I’m failing for sure. Definitely only 2 out of 3 on this one so far.

Parents with older children tell me that this gets better. I hear that somehow there is a switch and the things they hate us for now will be things they are grateful for when they’re older. When they are the only ones who know how to do their laundry in the dorms and their white shirts don’t all turn pink maybe they’ll be grateful. Or when they invite a girlfriend or boyfriend over to their apartment for the first time and they aren’t frantically hiding errant socks and underwear, maybe they’ll be glad we enforced a strict “dirty laundry goes in the basket” policy. I’m trusting them on this one because right now the future seems bleak.

Our only hope at this point is that they are so incredibly talented that they become millionaires. Otherwise, I’ll be doing their laundry and hearing their complaints until I die. God help us all….

Gluten-Free Dairy-Free Buffalo Cauliflower

Unlike my messy children, this recipe is a 3 for 3. I’ve been making it for ages, ever since cauliflower became the most famous vegetable since kale. I love it in all of its forms–tacos, over rice, in a salad, just straight-up dipped in ranch dressing. I love it.

But then my friends challenged me to create more Gluten-Free/Dairy-Free Recipes and I was all “uh-oh,” because this one was pretty perfect with its bread crumbs and flour coating. I couldn’t fathom changing it. But alas, because I love y’all, I did anyway.

I experimented with all of the gluten-free flours on this one and ended up with simple cup for cup gf flour as the best option. The other ones (almond flour, coconut flour, etc) absorbed way too much liquid for the batter to stick, instead making more of a crumble than a coating. So I highly recommend sticking with the flours as is. I use soy milk almost exclusively in baking and cooking because I find the thickness is closest to regular milk, but I’m guessing any milk substitute would do. And feel free to use vegan butter in place of the coconut oil in the buffalo sauce. I personally love the slightly nutty flavor the coconut oil gives, but for buffalo purists, it might be too much.

Either way, this is a fun recipe. I make a huge batch on Sunday and have it for lunch all throughout the week. I find it addicting and I’m confident you will too.

Peace, love and parenting,
Meg

For more GF/DF recipes try here:

Breakfast Cookies

Roasted Cauliflower Curry

Black Bean Soup

Gluten-Free Buffalo Cauliflower

March 4, 2020

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By: Meaghan Dawson

Ingredients

• 1 head of cauliflower, chopped into bite-sized pieces
• 1 cup unsweetened soy milk
• 1 cup gluten-free flour (cup for cup baking flour)
• 1 tablespoon Olive Oil
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2/3 cup Gluten-Free Panko (Kikkoman makes a good one)
• black pepper
• 1/3 cup melted coconut oil
• 2/3 cup hot sauce (such as Franks brand)

Directions

• Step 1 Preheat oven to 450 and line a rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper.
• Step 2 In a large bowl, combine flour, milk, garlic powder, salt, pepper, and olive oil. Whisk well.
• Step 3 Add cauliflower and toss to coat.
• Step 4 Place cauliflower in a strainer and let the excess batter drip off. Depending on how much you have, you might have to get messy and shake off the individual pieces.
• Step 5 Sprinkle with bread crumbs and toss to coat evenly.
• Step 6 Pour out onto baking sheet and bake for 12-15 minutes, or until slightly browned.
• Step 7 In the meantime, combine coconut oil and hot sauce and whisk well.
• Step 8 Once the cauliflower is browned, remove it from the oven and pour the sauce on top, tossing to coat (think coated not drowning).
• Step 9 Return to oven and cook for 5-7 more minutes or until browned and crispy.
• Step 10 Serve in tacos, over rice or on salad but be sure to have lots of ranch and diced celery.
• Step 11 Enjoy!

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