If you were to take a quick tour of my house right now you would probably be appalled.
It would take just a few minutes to see that we have already, just three weeks in, summered hard up in here. As I sit and write this there are two bikes in the foyer of my house and five in the yard. Yup. Just parked there by Nana’s antique chair and hanging out in the front bushes. Actual bikes (and one scooter). Next to one, draped haphazardly on the stair case is a dripping wet towel, a sock and one flip flop. There is a hat inexplicably perched on top of our tv console and a girls bathing suit on the kitchen floor. There are peanuts nestled in the cracks of the sofa, fruit snack wrappers tucked safely under the recliner and at least 2 Gogurt wrappers within striking distance.
Yet nowhere is this hard summering more apparent than in the kitchen. Yes, my domain, the place you’d expect would be my most cherished hallowed ground, is a disaster. Not in the traditional sense, with debris everywhere, but more of the barren wasteland variety. My pantry looks like it’s war torn. Typically I stock it well, me and my bff, Costco, do good work of keeping my baskets full. But now, with a steady stream of kids and tweens running through my house, pit stopping at the pantry then heading upstairs to play, there’s just nothing there, and I can’t seem to get ahead of it.
I was pondering this dilemma the other day, probably giving it way too much thought, and I realized that every single day I have said, at least once, “I really need to go to the grocery store.” Yet, instead, I keep putting it off and end up making panic runs to Sprouts to grab something fast for dinner each night. I haven’t restocked the shelves. I haven’t visited Costco to drop a couple of hondo on the pre-packaged death snacks of childhood. As each day passes and my shelves thin out I think, in those pre-slumber exhausted thoughts, “When I get a handle on this summer thing then I’ll finally stock these shelves.”
And yet, I never do.
And while I would like to think that one day I’ll get a handle on it, for real, I’ve realized something about this “When/Then” thinking in my life: When/Then thinking is not limited to the crazy days of summer grocery shopping. And it’s pretty destructive.
Now before you call me crazy (or crazier than you already do), I don’t think I’m alone here. We don’t talk about these thoughts out loud so I can’t be certain, but I see this pattern in so many places and in so many people. And it breaks my heart.
“When I get that job then I’ll feel in control of my life.”
“When I get the raise then I’ll be able to live like I really want to.”
“When I find the guy and get the ring then I’ll finally feel lovable.”
“When I have kids then I’ll be complete.”
This When/Then thinking has plagued me my whole life. In little things, like when I manage to get my act together I’ll hit up the store and big, like when I get married I’ll feel lovable. It’s the secret behind my desperate attempt at climbing the corporate ladder and chasing a title and a raise and the meaning behind my push, for years, to be something I truly am not, deep in my heart. When/Then thinking is chasing the permission to feel a certain way based on an external benchmark we weight heavily. It’s living for an outside indicator that our insides are okay. And it’s a disaster for our mental health and our hearts.
When/Then living is allowing everything else, the world, your partner, your kids, to be your hero, your savior. It’s a striving mentality, pushing you to chase corner after corner, where the When/Then’s reside. It robs you of contentment and steals your soul to joy of resting in the now. And it definitely means, at the very heart of it, that you are trying to find acceptance from the outside. And not the in.
And if there is one thing I know, it’s that every time you look outside of yourself and your God for any of those things, you’re bound to lose.
I’m at this point where around the corner thinking doesn’t work for me anymore. I’ve turned most every corner society tells me to turn. I chased titles, raises, careers and money for a long time. Then I chased marriage, children and the perfect house for a while. And while I guess on the outside, it looks like I’ve managed to achieve all of these things at various times in my life, none of it made me happy or made me feel truly content with myself.
Here’s what I’ve learned: in my life, at least, there is no When/Then that will fix things or make things better. There is no When/Then that will magically make me feel like I have a handle on things or like I’ve finally made it. There isn’t a corner I can turn or thing I can achieve that will put an end to the striving. There just isn’t. Turning that corner and accomplishing that thing might feel great for a while. It might fill your cup and massage your ego and give you all the things, but it won’t last. I promise.
It seems silly that I learned all this from an empty pantry, but it’s true.
Looking outside for what you can only find on the in is dangerous. There is no status you can achieve, title you can attain or person you can marry or birth that can make you complete. There is always going to be a hole in there, a void, asking for more. Striving is an exhausting way to live, whether it’s striving to get your life together so you can go to the grocery store or striving to find that perfect man to marry so you can finally feel like you can be loved.
Striving takes the fun out of today and fills that void with empty cotton candy fluff. If I’m being honest with myself, and with y’all, I will never ever have a handle on summer days. I just won’t. I won’t get it together and I’ll probably always feel a little bit like I’m losing my mind. But if I just lean into it and give myself grace (and maybe even learn to laugh about it), I’ll probably have a heck of a lot more fun and I’ll also probably get to the grocery store sometime this week.
And for the rest of the stuff, the bigger life things like jobs and kids and husbands and wives, there is nothing wrong with them at all. In fact, my favorite things are in that list (hello Jeff and kids), but if I just let them be who and what they are without putting so much stress on them to save me or make me whole, it allows me to enjoy them a whole heck of a lot more.
Creamy Dairy-Free Strawberry Coconut Popsicles
This recipe, though, I kind of had to strive to get there. One of my friends and coworkers at Grit and Grace has been asking me to make her some dairy free frozen treats for a while. And if I’m being honest, it was super intimidating to me. Mostly because without dairy in a frozen treat I wasn’t sure how to get the correct richness. Then I realized that the correct richness was sitting in front of my face each morning in the form of our daily smoothies. Adding a banana (or even a banana and a half) gives these popsicles a dairy-like feel and the coconut and lime give them a taste of the tropics. These Creamy Dairy-Free Strawberry Coconut Popsicles were devoured by my kids and honestly, I’m going to try and figure out how to add some coconut rum and make them an adult popsicle someday. They’re that good.
So step outside of the When/Then. Have some fun. And eat some popsicles.
Peace, love and the end of striving,
Meg
For some more Popsicle Recipes Check out these:
Creamy Dairy-Free Strawberry Coconut Popsicles
Ingredients
- 16 ounces frozen strawberries, partially thawed
- 1 can full-fat coconut milk
- 1 1/2 banana
- 2 tablespoons maple syrup (more for extra sweetness)
- zest of 1 lime
- pinch of salt
- 1/4 cup thinly sliced strawberries (optional)
Directions
- Step 1 In a blender combine frozen strawberries, coconut milk, banana, syrup, salt and lime zest.
- Step 2 Blend until smooth.
- Step 3 Pour into popsicle molds (makes 8-10 depending on size of molds), leaving a small space at the top.
- Step 4 If desired, add sliced strawberries to each mold and push down using a popsicle stick so they’re evenly distributed.
- Step 5 Freeze 4-6 hours or until solid.
- Step 6 ENJOY.
Welcome to BurntToast! My name is Meaghan, and this is my safe space, a place where we can share stories, share recipes and share life. It’s my dream that you can come here, kick your shoes off and pour yourself a glass of wine while you read, laugh, and maybe even hop into the kitchen. This is my heart, for all of you to see. And ALL are welcome here.