What Mom Really Wants For Mother’s Day

A few weeks ago I had this great idea to create a “What Mom Really Wants for Mother’s Day” roundup of sorts. I figured it would fit right into my new Favorite Things segment as a fun little gift guide that you could share with your husbands or partners, I could get a few cents in affiliate sales and we could all waltz into the sunset happy and fulfilled. I had all sorts of visions about this post. I really did. 

But because what I would want for Mother’s Day is not necessarily what every other mother on the face of the planet would want, I decided to do my due diligence, put on my investigative journalist pants, and get to work compiling a list that works for every mom. I polled my friends, used Facebook, left no stone unturned, and no mom unasked.* I wanted to know, for real, what moms really want for this made-up Hallmark holiday.

I was shocked when I found out what moms really want for Mother’s Day.

So let me tell you what I was expecting first, ok? I knew I wouldn’t hear from a bunch of moms that they just couldn’t wait to get another coffee mug or a “Mama Bear” sweatshirt. Sorry, it’s just not that easy, nor is it that cheesy. But, I was expecting a list of pretty, gorgeous things that a mom would most likely not buy for herself. In practical terms, this is our chance to ask for things we can’t find at Target in the Dollar Spot. Fancy things like Louis Vitton bags, diamond earrings, shopping sprees, spa days. So I just assumed that this is what my fellow moms would say. 

But, after polling my friends and soliciting responses on a random FB post, none of these things even hit close to the mark. In fact, they didn’t even make the list. Not one mom said she wanted a fancy purse or gorgeous jewelry. No one responded that a custom heart pendant from Kaye Jewelers would really set their heart ablaze (Shocker, I know). In fact, what the moms wanted weren’t even things, per sae. And while I could describe it in my own words, I think you need to hear it from them.

“Dads, listen up! Go talk to all the dads of your wife’s mom friends… You plan not just a spa day for your amazing wife and mother of your children- but you guys plan a trip for her to go away with her girlfriends for a spa weekend. And…tell the girl group together. Maybe at a fun Mother’s Day bbq. Tell them gender reveal style-lots of fanfare!! Book the hotel, book a spa package, wine waiting when they arrive!”

“I would like a hotel room, for me ,myself and I …. 24 hours not having to take care of anyone except ME. No one asking me where something is, no one asking what’s for dinner me not planning everything for everyone. I’m always last on the list and 24 hours to myself would be a nice recharge”

“I’d love an entire 24 hours to myself at a hotel. Just to be alone…no responsibility, no need to talk to anyone. I’d probably feel really selfish and guilty the whole time though..”

“ This!! {24 hours to myself at a hotel}. But not just like a gift card (or a coupon ) To actually have it booked for a specific date with everything taken care of… Tired Mummy Heaven!! ”

“Car detailed and a day of shopping on my own wherever I want and to be to take as long as I want!! Not with someone saying, hurry up, lets go, Im ready!”

Sure, if you just glance through this list you’ll see spa days and getaway and 24 blissful hours alone in a hotel. But look closer, please. Read what these moms (from all walks of life, by the way) are really saying. They’re saying “I carry IT ALL and want a break from the weight.” They’re saying “please just PLAN something so I don’t have to think about it and orchestrate it and make it happen and feel guilty when I am away. Give me a break from some of the mental weight of motherhood so I can recharge my empty batteries without having to hold what is so dang heavy for a hot minute.”

This is what moms really want for Mother’s Day.

Indulge me for a second as I tell you a personal anecdote. It has a point, I promise.

In my previous life when I had a grown-up job, I traveled often. Given the state of my life at the time, this was not the wisest decision in the history of decisions, but since we’ve already dissected my past tomfoolery we won’t go there now. It’s just important for this particular point to know that I traveled a lot. Like, a lot. It was intense. My kids were young. There was a lot going on, multiple school drop-offs and daycares, and things to coordinate. Yet I still traveled at least 3 times a month for multiple days at a time. 

And every single time I left for a trip, along with packing my bags, pouring all of my toiletries into those tiny little airline-approved bottles, and picking out my outfits, I would spend hours creating a detailed itinerary of carpools, schedules, practices, meals, and everything else my husband could possibly need to keep our little family afloat until I returned. I would make dinners to be reheated. I would pre-pack as many lunches as possible. I did it all, adding hours to my prep time and loads of stress on my shoulders every time I left.

And do you want to know what my husband would do before he would go on a business trip? He would pack his suitcase and leave. That’s it.

This is just one tiny real-life example that highlights the difference between the mental weight moms and dads carry. Most moms I know, working and non, walk around with a running checklist/encyclopedia/family calendar in their heads. And despite loving their children and their families more than anything else on this planet, most moms I know still feel, at the end of every day, that they failed to carry it well. Sure, my example might be a bit extreme and I’m sure someone (probably younger, most likely a millennial) will DM me to tell me how they are so much more evolved than I am and their husband carries equal weight and Blah. Blah. Blah. And that might be true. My family is more old-fashioned than most. But, the fact remains that studies continue to show women carry the majority of the mental load in households across the world. It’s cross-generational and, by the way, cross-cultural. But it’s extremely heavy for everyone.

And while this is not an exhaustive list, these are just a few of the things moms tell me they are overwhelmingly responsible for carrying:

Organizing carpools

Managing the family calendar

Scheduling doctors, dentist, and specialty appointments

Rotating seasonal clothing, donating what is outgrown, purchasing new 

Cataloging and restocking pantries and household goods

Scheduling family pictures and coordinating family holidays 

Knowing children’s friends and keeping tabs on the social situations they are managing

Planning birthday parties and purchasing all birthday and holiday gifts

Understanding, worrying about and caring for the emotional needs of their children

Managing teacher and school communication

Planning and executing meals

Scheduling vacations

Handling all family communication (outside of the nuclear family)

Scheduling playdates and gatherings

Coordinating practice and game day schedules

Keeping track of developmental milestones

Being the family historian with pictures and scrapbooks

Purchasing all extras for all the things (uniforms, teacher gifts, piano lessons, etc)

Handling all  extracurricular emails and scheduling

Researching summer camps, daycare options, babysitter recommendations

Cleaning 

Cooking

Doing laundry

OR finding someone to DO these things for them

If I died tomorrow, as much as I love my husband and as involved as he has become in our daily lives since he started working from home a year ago, he would be lost. He’s never even been to our new dentist or doctor’s office. He doesn’t know our carpool rotation (or my super-secret middle school carpool pickup spot). He has never communicated with teachers or coaches at the school. He doesn’t carry any of this. I do.

Because someone has to. And that’s what Moms do.

My husband is free to pursue his high-power career in corporate finance precisely because I carry all of the household weight for both of us.  Yet my dreams didn’t die the moment I popped three kids out and I still, along with this motherhood load, want to build my own life and be my own self and grow my own career. The truth is, studies show that even the most dedicated full-time working mother manages the lion’s share of this weight, too. So it’s not necessarily as clear-cut as working versus non-working. If my own travel story shows us anything, it’s that when I was working full-time I was still managing all of the home things full time as well. I don’t know how I managed it without losing my mind.

Oh, wait. I kind of did. That’s why I’m not doing it anymore. Anyway…

There are a million articles about this invisible weight of motherhood. I’m not going to reinvent the wheel and go through how heavy this is or try to conceptualize for you just how much this wears on a person’s soul. It’s one of those annoying “you don’t know unless you know” things that are bothersome because they must be lived to be fully understood. I’ll just say this: Dads, you can co-parent and run carpools and help your wife all day long, but if you are doing this only because your wife is telling you to and coordinating it all in the background, you’re benefiting from her carrying the invisible weight of the family. There’s no other way to say it.

Because let me be very clear, the weight moms carry is not in the doing, it is in being the one who knows what needs to be done.

So let’s circle back to Mother’s Day gifts, shall we?

I am not telling you NOT to go buy your wife and mom a gorgeous necklace. I’m not telling you she doesn’t want that raised garden bed she’s had her eye on for ages or those gorgeous planters for her office. (hint, hint) I’m not saying she wouldn’t love an LV purse or diamond studs. But I am telling you that what she really wants is you to help shoulder this invisible mental weight of motherhood. Or, at the very least, acknowledge that it exists and that she carries it well and put the effort into doing something for her that she has absolutely zero responsibility in creating, scheduling, and handling. She wants a day or days away, planned from start to finish by YOU so she doesn’t have to think about one bloody meal, one practice pick-up, one thing at home. She wants it all lifted, even temporarily, so she can relax and recharge-GUILT FREE.

So if you want to know what Mom really wants for Motherhood, I’m telling you to look past the mall and the clever advertising and the hundreds of influencer-curated lists telling you she wants something you can buy. Instead, I want you to stop and take a birds-eye view of all of the things she manages for your little family each day. And then, I want you to imagine what would happen if, heaven forbid, she wasn’t there to manage it going forward. If you can do this and curate some empathy for what she carries that you most likely take for granted because she carries it so well it’s nearly invisible, I can almost guarantee you’ll be able to give her what she really wants. Appreciation. Help. And some gosh darn peace and quiet created and planned by you, tailor-made for her.

That’s what mom really wants for Mother’s Day.

Peace, love, and moms,

Meg

*not true. Lots of moms were unasked because it’s impossible for me to know every mom. Just in case you needed clarification.

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