They were brown. Utilitarian. With thick corded laces and chunky, heavy souls. They looked, for all intents and purposes, like hiking boots. Which would be normal, except I was not then, nor am I now, a hiker. They were obtrusive, manly and if I’m being honest, really unattractive. The only slightly softened feature, the unmistakable sweater insert, gently stitched into the top. A built-in sweater sock, if you will. The purpose of which I will never understand.
Yet despite this ugliness. This outdoorsy nature for an otherwise completely indoorsy natured child, eight-year-old Meaghan needed these boots. Like, a deep-down obsessive-like covet need, far surpassing the normal want of any normal child. This was a full-blown sweater boot mania on my part.
Why I wanted these ugly sweater boots? Well, that’s a whole ‘nother story.
This obsession was weird, y’all. I have no idea where it came from, even to this day. It’s not like they were the “cool” footwear choice of the moment. At the time, my fourth-grade compatriots were sporting bright white keds and Tretorns, not utility boots. I’d even go so far as to say that as a kid growing up in rural Maryland in the 1980s, trends weren’t even a thing. There was no TikTok or Instagram telling us about the next great thing we needed to buy and wear. For most of us, what we wore came straight up from the aisles of the Hecht Company or, if you were unlucky, C-Mart. On a really great day if you had a rich grandmom or something you might get an Outback Red Sweater or a Benneton sweatshirt. But, for the most part, trends and 1980s elementary school students were not something that went hand in hand.
None of this deterred me, though. Somehow, someway, I got in my head that I needed these boots. They were not wants. They were needs. And I was on a straight-up mission to make this happen. Now, it’s important to note for this story that I was somewhat headstrong as a child. I would get something in my head, a seed of thought if you will, and water it, nurture it and give it plenty of sun to grow. Given my one-track mind, it’s highly plausible that I would morph into the world’s most annoying child when pursuing an obsession of this nature. I am sure I dropped hints. Whined. Made demands. Finagled. Did every single thing I could to make my sweater boot dream come true.
I don’t really remember how I ended up with these boots in my possession. I don’t know if it was a birthday gift or if I saved up enough cash from chores to buy my own. But I do know that somehow, someway, those sweater boots ended up on my feet. And I was killing it with them, friends. KILLING IT.
The thing about these boots and my obsession with them, though, is that it’s not like I fit in with the in-crowd once I had them. The in-crowd was NOT wearing these boots. They didn’t care about these boots. They weren’t envious of these boots. In fact, if anything, they were probably a little bit like “WTF” with these boots. They were not on the radar of anyone who was anyone back at Youth’s Benefit Elementary School, circa 1986.
So why was I so obsessed? What in my little tiny eight-year-old brain short-circuited around a pair of ugly boots wearing a sweater vest?
Well, I’m not exactly sure. But I think, now that I’m an old lady and can look back at these things with a little bit of clarity, I understand why. See, I’m of the belief that most of us have a core need. I’m not talking about food, water, and shelter. I’m not even really talking about love. I’m talking about a core social need, something that we crave above all else from other people. These needs are hard to figure out, honestly, because some of them are intricately intertwined. But, whether we’re self-aware enough to discern ours or not, they color almost every single social situation in our lives. At least until we’re able to do the hard work of figuring out what ours are.
Some people need to be LOVED. Not like loved by our parents love. But loved by others. Call them people pleasers or connectors. They want to be loved, in the middle of a group, by lots of people.
Some people want to be ADORED. They don’t necessarily need a close interaction and connection. They might not even want one. But they want everyone to ADORE them, from afar or up close. These are the people with really incredible social feeds, btw. That’s carefully curated ADORATION.
Some people want to be RESPECTED. These are the most likely to succeed, extremely competent doers. They organize and hold court. People come to them for advice. This is RESPECT.
Some people want to be ACCEPTED. They just want to know that people think they are OK, to be included. Allowed. This is being ACCEPTED.
Some people want to be FEARED. These are future serial killers. Not much more to say about that.
And some people, like my eight-year-old self, simply want to be KNOWN. That’s it. I wanted to be KNOWN.
Being known means that people simply know you. They don’t necessarily have to like you. They don’t have to accept you or include you or love or adore you. Even as a girl I was ok with being an outskirts player, and didn’t necessarily feel the need to follow the crowd all of the time. But man did I want to be known. As a fourth grader, I wanted those big sixth graders who seemed so untouchable and distant, like shining suns of coolness, to know me. To acknowledge when I walked by that I was the girl who was cool enough, out there enough, to wear those damn boots. I didn’t need them to accept me into their folds. I’m not even sure my eight-year-old self would have been able to understand what that meant. I didn’t need them to love me or adore me. I just wanted them to know me.
I wanted to leave my mark. Both then and now.
Because today, as a 42-year-old woman, I am the same. I tried on some of those core needs as I grew up. I tried to be loved and adored, worked hard to fit into groups, and be in the “in-crowd.” I tried to be accepted and allowed into the fold of girl gangs and mom tribes. I worked for years at a job where I tried desperately to earn respect. I tried on all of these hats. But none of them quite fit quite as well as simply being known. And after those long years of discovery and hits and misses, I’m finally at peace with simply being KNOWN.
For me, being Known is enough. It suits my introverted self. It allows me to make my mark and share my stories without needing to be included completely within the crowd. It gives me the space to keep my life semi-private yet also very public by allowing only a few people into my very tight circle yet sharing just enough publicly to let the world in. Being known feels safe. It feels right for my soul and I am more content now than I have ever been in my life. Because being KNOWN is just enough.
For me. Maybe not for you.
I think one of the hardest things about adult life is figuring out just which core needs drives our behavior. I think part of the reason we struggle at different periods in our lives, and make no mistake, we all struggle, is because we’re living outside of our core need. When I look back on my most unhappy days, the ones where I felt like I was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, I was trying to live for a core need that didn’t match my own. It took a lot of hard work, a little bit of therapy, and a few crashes and burns, for me to find my own. And it might for you, too. It’s all part of maturity and growing up.
Which we never stop doing, by the way.
Now I’m no psychologist. And I definitely know that the times in my life when I was at my lowest, I required the help of one to get back on track. So if you’re really struggling, there is no shame in getting help. I am a huge proponent of counseling and love my own to bits. But if you’re just not feeling right, like you don’t fit where you’re trying to cram yourself or something in your life isn’t quite catching, check out your core need. Look back at stories from your childhood, take a deep look at why you did what you did, and try as best as you can to locate the core need. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll find that one slight adjustment to your choices is all you need to fall right in line with where you need to be.
As long as that need isn’t fear. Then you need more help than I can give you. So get on it.
Blueberry Mango Salad with Honey Tajin Dressing
I also, by the way, believe that we have core food needs. Just in case you were wondering. And this blueberry mango Salad with honey tajin dressing hits my core need for salty, tangy, and sweet foods like a well-worn glove.
Born out of my desperate love for Tajin, a tangy tart blend of salt, lime, and chili pepper that is so addicting I have been known to lick it straight from my fingers, this Blueberry Mango Salad with Honey Tajin Dressing is the perfect summer fruit salad to take to barbecues, cookouts, pot lucks or anything else you can possibly take a fruit salad too. It gets better the longer it sits. The tart blueberries are the perfect contrast to the sweet mango. And the dressing is out-of-this-world, lick-your-lips amazing.
Just as my cousin Melissa who drank ALL of the remaining dressing straight from the bowl like a straight-up savage.
Anyway, if this is your first foray with Tajin prepare to fall in love. It is typically available in the Mexican food section of the grocery store or HERE and can be paried with everything from avocados to fruit to eggs. If blueberry mango salad with honey tajin dressing has been sitting for a while, I highly recommend sprinkling some more Tajin right before serving. It is the coup de gras of this dish and needs to be flavor-forward in order for it to be enjoyed properly.
A few tips: Use precut mango from the store. Ain’t nobody got to be the hero cutting their own annoying mango. Trust me. The few extra bucks are totally worth it in this case. I like this salad cold, so I recommend refrigerating it for an hour or so before eating. BUT, it can be enjoyed at room temp too, so don’t hesitate if you need to just make it and run. It’ll be good however you eat it.
I have so many more fun summer recipes coming your way, friends. I’m talking ice creams, popsicles, and perfect marinades for the grill. Stay tuned, because BurntToast recipes are BACK and I can’t wait to keep them coming your way!
Peace, love, and needs,
Meg
Blueberry Mango Salad with Honey Tajin Salad
Ingredients
- 4 cups fresh mango, cut into bite-sized chunks
- 2 cups blueberries
- 2 tablespoons honey
- pinch of salt
- juice of 1/2 lime
- 1 teaspoon Tajin, plus more for serving
Directions
- Step 1 In a large bowl combine mango and blueberries.
- Step 2 Stir together honey and salt and microwave for 20 seconds, just until runny.
- Step 3 Combine honey with the fruit and stir to ensure even coating.
- Step 4 Squeeze lime over fruit combo and stir to combine.
- Step 5 Top with Tajin, trying to get an even coating.
- Step 6 Serve immediately OR refrigerate for 30 minutes and serve chilled.
Welcome to BurntToast! My name is Meaghan, and this is my safe space, a place where we can share stories, share recipes and share life. It’s my dream that you can come here, kick your shoes off and pour yourself a glass of wine while you read, laugh, and maybe even hop into the kitchen. This is my heart, for all of you to see. And ALL are welcome here.