How To Stop A Shame Spiral In Its Tracks

Maybe you’ve been living under a rock and have not yet heard the term “Shame Spiral,” but I can almost guarantee that at some point or another in your life, you’ve been in one. Now, whether or not you recognized it at the time, that is debatable. But even if you didn’t know it and weren’t able to name it, I can bet you it was not a pleasant experience you want to replicate in your life so some helpful tools to stop one would definitely come in handy. But before we can figure out how to stop a shame spiral in its tracks, we’ve got to figure out exactly what a shame spiral is. Right?

Right?

Generally speaking, a Shame Spiral is defined as when an event triggers your shame and you are unable to control or stop your self-loathing.

In layman’s terms, a shame spiral goes something like this:

• You mess up or receive criticism or something that makes you uncomfortable (a triggering event)
• You internalize and personalize said event to be because of YOU and who you are deep in your core
• You fixate on said event and the negative thoughts associated with it
• Your thoughts go on a runaway train and spiral out of control, causing anxiety, depression, and sometimes more negative behaviors (such as binging)

Sound familiar?

Let me tell you about one of my own Shame Spiral Moments

Recently, I had a very powerful Shame Spiral which was triggered by a very simple and straightforward conversation with a client. There was no blame or admonishment towards me in this conversation. It was feedback that (and this is the funny part) I ask for continually and pride myself on taking well, with no ego involved. It was gentle. It is a new client so receiving feedback like this is actually a good thing. As I’m getting to know his business and his preferences, learning what he sees as working and not working is imperative to my success and his.

So there is no reason on Earth why I should have personalized and internalized this conversation. Except, I did.

Maybe it just hit me funny, on a bad day or in a bad headspace. Maybe just this act of receiving feedback in this way triggered something in me that I haven’t yet worked through. I might never know. What I do know, though, is that from the moment I shut the door of the car after our meeting ended, I had almost no control over my emotions or (and this is the important part) my thoughts.

It started with a drip, you know that feeling of discomfort in your stomach that clues you into something not sitting right? YUP. Started there. Then it snowballed. Thoughts of “I made a mistake” (which, remember, I did not) rolled into thoughts of “I am a mistake.” And pretty soon I was ready to quit my business, pack up my bags, move to Alaska, and become an Eskimo.

Ok. Maybe not quite that extreme.

But what really happened is my thoughts were a runaway train with no hope of being reigned in. I laid in bed after hours of perseverating, unable to fall asleep because I was so wrapped up in my own spiral of self-doubt (“I am not good at this”), negative self-talk (“of course you’re failing, you always do”), and imposter syndrome.

NOW, before I get lots of DMs with admonishments and recommendations for therapists, I want to be clear that this is not a regular occurrence for me. I also want to be clear that I already have a therapist to whom I pay good money so I can work through stuff like this. I also want to be honest and tell you that most of this is rooted in relational trauma. So there’s that.

Anyway, once I popped a melatonin and had a good night’s sleep, I decided to dive a little deeper into what a shame spiral is (thus the definition above) and also wanted to consult some experts ie: internet therapists, to see if I could find some quick tips to work my way out of it the next time a shame spiral took root in my own life and also to share with you in case you have been there before too.

And these are the four quick tips for how to stop a shame spiral in its tracks.

1. Repeat Compassionate Self-Affirmations: One of the first indicators that I am about to go on a shame spiral is the way my thoughts subtly shift from “outside problems” to “inside ones.” In other words, I stop looking at the situation objectively and start using negative self-talk to blame myself and label myself as defective. The best way to address this is to rewire your self-talk with compassionate self-affirmations. Sure, it might seem weird at first to whisper to yourself “I am worthy of love and respect” or “I am not defined by my results” out loud every three seconds. BUT, it is helpful because we are the voice we hear the most. So we might as well start by consciously choosing compassionate talk to override the automatic negative thoughts of a spiral. Need some examples? Here you go:

2. Be Mindful: Another unhealthy coping mechanism I have developed over the years is to mentally escape during a shame spiral. What does this look like? Well, in the past it might look like one too many glasses of wine. Now, it probably looks more like mindless scrolling to deaden the anxiety. The only problem with this approach is it always creates more trouble in the long run. I’ve learned now that the only way out is through and the only way through is to be present. Being present within the moment does a few things for me. It helps me begin to recognize my triggers because I ask myself tough questions like “Why did this upset me?” and “What is this anxiety telling me?” I don’t always like the answers, but I do learn about myself from them. The second thing it does is help me walk through the pain to get to the other side. I asked a friend what I should do and she said “unclench your jaw and take a few deep breaths.” Sound simple, right? But the act of consciously unclenching kept me so present that I was able to unwind myself. If you find yourself in one of these spirals, follow her advice and do your best to stay present. Remember. The only way out is through.

3. Be Compassionate: Again with this compassion word, Meg? What is UP with you? Indulge me for a second, though. When someone you love and respect, maybe a friend or family member, messes up or disappoints you I can almost guarantee you will give them compassion. Sure, you might initially be upset, but you are probably not going to call them a loser, a mistake, or mentally beat them up for hours on end. You’ll probably give them grace because you know they are human and still a good person despite messing up. If you would do it for someone else, do it for yourself. This circles back to the self-talk and might require some conscious thought repositioning, but you are worthy of your own compassion. No matter what the mistake or perceived weakness/failure, you are worthy of it. So give it to yourself.

4. Reach out to a trusted friend: Remember my friend that told me to unclench my jaw? She is trusted and safe. Reaching out to her brought no judgment. No shame heaped upon shame. This is what you need. Whether it’s your mom, your husband, your bff, or a therapist, reaching out to someone you trust with your hardest emotions is invaluable when you are on a struggle bus, alone. It’s very important, though, that this person is safe. Sometimes husbands or significant others aren’t safe because they try to fix it by talking you out of it. As great as this is, it’s not safe for your state of mind. Sometimes mothers get riled up with you and heap on more worry. Also not safe. But someone who knows and understands anxiety, who has been there before, or is just generally compassionate and gentle, they are. Reach out. Say “I’m in a shame spiral. This is what happened.” They might not have to say a thing. Maybe just telling them will help. Or maybe they’ll tell you to unclench your jaw and breathe. Either way, friendships and connections help because they hold a mirror up to our hearts, reminding us that we are loved by this human on the other side of the conversation. And that’s HUGE in life and in recovering from our darkest moments.

Now, obviously, I am not a therapist. However, one day I do hope to have a licensed counselor guest post on BurntToast soon to talk through some of this in a much more professional and educated way. (know one? Drop me a line to connect us) But I do know these things help me when I am struggling and I also know that I am NOT alone. We all have our dark moments. We all have our insecurities and tender spots. We all have times when our thoughts take control. So the next time they do, circle back to this post. Unclench your jaw. And remember that you are loved, worthy, and valued not because of WHAT you do. But because of WHO you are.

Peace, love, and unclenching,
Meg

For more resources on working through a shame spiral check out these articles:

https://happiful.com/how-to-stop-shame-spirals-in-their-tracks/

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/shame-spiral-self-compassion#1.-Use-affirmations-to-practice-self-compassion

OR, my read my own conversations about shame HERE: You CAN Go Home Again (A Talk on Shame)

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