Last weekend Connor had the opportunity to go to a very special camp. The fact that he gets to go to this camp every year is nothing short of a blessing. And not just because it’s completely free, which is mind-blowing and amazing, but nowhere even near the best part.
The best part, by far, is that for one full weekend Connor gets to spend his time surrounded by other kids who are just like him. Kids who are awesome and funny and smart and kind and talented. Kids who love to play and run around and laugh and have new adventures like zip lines and fishing. And kids who, just like Connor, happen to have been born with a craniofacial disorder.
If you’ve been following for any time at all, you might know that my middle son was born with a cleft lip and palate. (I share part of his story here). His early years were tough, harder than most kids. He’s had multiple major surgeries and more hospital visits than we ever would care to count. When he was a baby, one of our biggest fears was that he would allow this “defect” to define him, that he would feel weird or different or isolated. Let’s face it, kids can be little jerks unkind and we were afraid, terrified even, that he would get bullied for looking different.
But because he’s awesome and was clearly put on this earth to defy expectations and shatter definitions, none of this has happened. What has happened is that he’s grown into an wondrous boy. A boy who is devilishly handsome, despite a scar and a less than perfect nose. A boy who is so much more amazing than even my wildest dreams. And a boy who has taken this “defect” and made it just a minor blip on the radar of his life, taking what seem like insurmountable struggles in stride and carrying an inner strength and peace that the rest of us can only hope for.
And because of how cool we think he is, we began to assume he has never struggled with feeling different. We took for granted what his calm demeanor portrayed, never guessing that inside sometimes he does feel different. He feels odd. He is self-conscious about his nose being crooked. He does feel a bit set apart because of what he has to go through. I never realized this. Not once.
I didn’t realize it until he said after coming home from an amazing weekend at this camp with kids who are just like him, “The reason why camp is so awesome is everyday I walk around feeling kind of different because of my cleft, but when I go there for two days I’m not different. I’m just like everybody else. And that feels good.”
Friends, this broke my momma heart. And not just because it is such a clear and glaring example of my less than stellar parenting. No. While a good hint of mom guilt over missing something that was hurting his heart did sneak in, that’s not what really broke me. I broke because I NEVER EVER want him to feel different or less-than because of something that he had zero control over. Actually, I don’t want him to feel that way for any reason, really. I want him to see himself how we see him, as an amazing blessing in our lives. I want to tuck him right up into my very heart and show him just how special he is, that there is no reason to feel different, maybe just a bit more awesome than everybody else.
But I can’t do that, can I?
One of the hardest life lessons parenting teaches you is you can’t do it, feel it or live it for your kids. No matter how much you love them, no matter how much you work to protect those fragile little hearts that were knit together in your very womb, you cannot walk their walk for them. You just can’t. Sending Connor into surgery was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. And it was hard because, no matter how much I want to, I can’t feel that pain for him. No matter what it does to my heart, I can’t walk his walk. That’s all on him (and Jesus).
I can only love him through it.
And this, well, this I’ll love him through too.
Because here’s the thing, no matter how much it hurt me to hear him say that he feels different, I kind of feel the same way. I feel different. I feel weird. I feel like I am not quite like everyone else, and I don’t always mean this in the “unique and set apart” kind of way. I often mean it in the “less than” way.
I mean, don’t we all feel like this, at least sometimes? Connors difference might be physical, something we can all see, but I think we all feel, somewhere deep down inside, that we’re just different. Maybe we feel better than, maybe we feel worse, Maybe we feel weird and out there. But we just feel it.
I thought for my entire life that I was out there, just not quite the same as everyone else. Yet when I posted my most personal and darkest post to date about struggling through feelings of self-worth and self-esteem (read here) people I never would have imagined would ever feel like me, reached out and said “ME TOO.” I was shocked to learn that the very same people who I felt had it all together, the ones who I felt less than and different from, were feeling the very same thing. And we’re all going to be okay through it too.
Maybe different isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe different is just special and unique. Maybe different isn’t so different, after all.
Because just like my momma heart wants Connor to see himself as we see him, God wants that for us too. He loves us through it. He loves us in spite of and because of what makes us different. He loves the good. He loves the bad. God love us so very much that it breaks His heart when we struggle through those feelings of doubt and insecurity. He sees us as His own perfect handiwork and here we are calling Him faulty. He loves your different just as much as we love our children’s different. Scratch that. More. He always loves more. 
And maybe, just maybe, someone should start a weekend camp for aging moms who still want to be cool but also just want to wear sweatpants and drink coffee and wine all the time. Because I’d be on that bus with my camp t-shirt, jogger pants and sippy cup of chardonnay faster than you can say “BASIC.”
So today I’m sharing one of my most highly anticipated recipes, my Pumpkin Spice Muffins. I’m sharing them because these are the very same muffins I packed into Connors little backpack for the long bus trip to camp. I couldn’t walk on that bus with him, when he knew no one and felt so scared that tears were welling up in his beautiful blue eyes, but I could do the next best thing. I could fill him with the taste of home. I could remind him that mommy loves him, even when he’s far from me. And I can pray the entire time he was away from me that he’s having a blast. (He was, by the way)
These muffins are delicious and they taste exactly like fall would taste if it weren’t, well, a season. They’re light and fluffy and filled with the most delicious cream cheese filling. The recipe makes a ton, so if you don’t want to be filling muffin tins for an hour, cut the ingredients in half (keep the filling the same, you can’t halve an egg). They would be equally good if you swirled the cream cheese filling in (use a toothpick) as when you just fill them in the center.
Peace, love and being unique,
Meg
Pumpkin Spice Muffins with Cream Cheese Filling
Ingredients
- 3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
- 1 1/2 cups sugar
- 2 teaspoons cinnamon
- 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
- 1 teaspoon nutmeg
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 2 cups canned unsweetened pumpkin
- 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
- 1/2 cup melted coconut oil
- 2/3 cup water
- 4 large eggs
- 1 teaspoon vanilla
- For the filling:
- 1 8 ounce package cream cheese, softened at room temperature for at least an hour
- 1/3 cup sugar
- 1 large egg
Directions
- Step 1 Preheat oven to 350
- Step 2 Stir together flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking soda, nutmeg and salt in a large bowl.
- Step 3 In a separate bowl, whisk together pumpkin, applesauce, oil, water, eggs and vanilla until smooth.
- Step 4 Add to flour mixture, whisking just until dry ingredients are moistened.
- Step 5 Set aside.
- Step 6 In a small bowl, combine all ingredients for cream cheese filling, mixing well until smooth (I used a hand mixer for a few seconds to get my desired consistency)
- Step 7 Fill the bottoms of lined muffin tins with a tablespoon of pumpkin batter.
- Step 8 Spoon a tablespoon (a serving spoons worth) of cream cheese filling on top.
- Step 9 Cover cream cheese filling with two tablespoons of more pumpkin batter, filling to just about 2/3 full.
- Step 10 Bake at 350 for 18-20 minutes or until golden and springy to touch (they should bounce back when you press lightly on the tops).
- Step 11 ENJOY!
- Step 12 Store leftovers in the fridge!
Welcome to BurntToast! My name is Meaghan, and this is my safe space, a place where we can share stories, share recipes and share life. It’s my dream that you can come here, kick your shoes off and pour yourself a glass of wine while you read, laugh, and maybe even hop into the kitchen. This is my heart, for all of you to see. And ALL are welcome here.
YUM!!!! I am obsessed with making ALL the fall things right now so this is perfect – especially since I made a complete fail of a pumpkin pie haha. Will definitely be making this recipe! Also thanks for having healthy ingredients!
Yes! These taste like fall in a muffin pan, and if I’m being honest, they are so much easier than pumpkin pie (I am not the pie baker in our household for a reason). Enjoy them!!!