In case you’ve been wondering what’s going on with BurntToast or where my head is at the moment, here is a real-life midnight musing straight from the pages of my journal that gives you all the details you never asked for.
The Truth Is…
It’s 3 am and I’m up writing these words because my thoughts are running away with themselves and wouldn’t let me sleep until I did.
The Truth Is…
We’ve had so many micro-emergencies in our family in the last year that I don’t know how to operate on anything other than high alert. I’m stuck between fight or flight daily and I’m so exhausted from worry and caretaking that sometimes I want to go back to bed the moment I wake up for the day. It feels like we’ve been through a lot, but then I wonder, is life just a series of micro emergencies for everyone? Like, do we all go from worry to worry to worry with only a few nuggets of peace in between? If so, that sucks and there’s got to be a better way.
The Truth Is…
Young parents will always be smug and secretly (or not so secretly) think “my kid will never do that.” And old(er) parents will always know that their kids will, in fact, do this, that, and every other thing. Old(er) parents will also always be tired, jaded, and filled with secret bags of red dye #40-injected candy to feed to the gorgeously dressed monochromatic insta-ready organic children of young parents. Also, if invited to a young parent’s birthday party, they will also get the loudest, most plastic, primary-colored toy available on the market. Because neutral-toned playrooms are weird. And this, my friends, is the circle of life.
The Truth Is…
I used to beg for time to just go to the bathroom by myself. Now I have all the time in the world, in-between carpools and “mom I needs,” and I kind of don’t know what to do with myself. The emotions and parental requirements of these years are hard, yet the invisibility of them is even harder. People don’t “ooh and ahh” over your twelve-year-old and they definitely don’t congratulate you on your great parenting when your kid is eye-rolling their way through life. No one tells you how your heart will break into a million pieces when your big kid is hurting and you can’t fix it with a band-aid and a kiss or how much you’ll want to punch the mean kid who made them feel that way. The only thing you know is that the right thing to do is to let them learn on their own. And that sucks. There is also this strange confluence of too much of everything and not enough of anything, where I’m strung up between cherishing every moment nonsense and the empty nest blues. I wonder if there is time to pencil in a mental breakdown between middle school and high school pick-up.
The Truth Is…
These middle years are hard and I don’t recognize myself anymore. Everything about me is changing–my body, my face, even my damn hair. I’m stuck somewhere in between Forever 21 and Chicos and I understand now why our grandmas wore housedresses, even if I still secretly want to be pretty. I wonder if I should just get a job, plastic surgery, or both. I’m trying to age gracefully but considering I was never very graceful in the first place that’s kind of hard. Also, where did the bottom of all the t-shirts go and why didn’t anyone warn me about the Southward slide of ALL the parts?
But also, the truth is…
I like middle-aged me better than any other age me and, despite the fact that I’m reacquainting myself with a whole new body like pre-teen me, I’m more secure, care less, and generally more at peace than I’ve ever been. So much so that I wonder what age we as women decide we just CAN’T EVEN anymore and stop with all the things. I mean, at some point we’ve got to let the botox and the weight loss and the hair coloring go, right? No one wants to cuddle skinny grandma. So when does that happen? Asking for myself.
The Truth Is…
I’ve lost myself a bit in this brand and I don’t know where to go with it. I should be worried about selling and monetizing and growing all the things, but instead, I get a strong sense of existential dread when I think about moving forward or doing any of the things I know are necessary to make it grow. Not only that, I’m not the same person as when I started, and as I’m still a work in progress, it feels weird to try and let the world in on that. All I want is a small group of people who I trust and to tell y’all to stop buying new things you don’t need just because some influencer (me) tells you that you need them and to get off your damn phones because real life is calling and this living for the internet thing ain’t it. I’m not sure what is, but this isn’t. That I know.
None of this, by the way, makes me money, and all of it is the opposite of what an “influencer/blogger/writer person” should be.
The Truth Is…
I’ve spent so long cheerleading everyone else that I’ve forgotten how to cheerlead myself. I feel like a fraud and a failure most of the time and my secret wish is to pack it all in and go live on a farm somewhere with my family, never to be heard from again.
The Truth Is…
I don’t think anyone would miss me.
The Truth Is…
No one tells you that adulthood is just pretending you’ve got it all figured out. The ones who seem like they do, don’t. There really should be a course about this in high school. Maybe if there was, we’d all hide a little less and be honest a little more.
The Truth Is…
These are just the middle-of-the-night musings of one tired human trying to navigate her way through this crazy life. You might not relate to all of it, but because we’re all those people who can’t sleep sometimes because our brains won’t turn off, I can bet you’ll relate to at least some. Because…
But really, The Truth Is…
Life is hard.
People are weird.
And you are not alone.
Welcome to BurntToast! My name is Meaghan, and this is my safe space, a place where we can share stories, share recipes and share life. It’s my dream that you can come here, kick your shoes off and pour yourself a glass of wine while you read, laugh, and maybe even hop into the kitchen. This is my heart, for all of you to see. And ALL are welcome here.
Wow!! You and I have been having the same thoughts!!
I’m in a state of questioning what I’m doing with my blog and SM accounts!!!
I for one enjoy what you do!!!
Midlife can be hard, but it sure beats the alternative!!
I’m so glad I’m not the only one. It’s like I started this thing with one intention and now I can’t figure out how to find my way. Oh well. <3 And you're right, it's so much better than the alternative!